Be Yourself? Really?
Have you ever felt like resisting the idea of changing yourself, because you will become someone else and that’s against the age-old advice — “be yourself”?
It goes like this: “Hey, I’m happy with who I am. I have no reason to change myself and to become someone that’s not me. In fact, that’s against the idea of being myself”. I am familiar with this way of thinking. I’ve been there.
Being yourself is easy in a sense, because you are already and always being yourself by definition. If you are always being yourself, why do people insist on being yourself?
The most likely answer is that you are either trying to be someone else that you are not or trying to suppress your attractive self – the mode of you in which you feel relaxed, content, joyful, delighted, comfortable, inspired, motivated, passionate, and so on.
Trying to be someone else shows that you are not confident about and don’t accept who you are. This isn’t attractive. In this case, “be yourself” means “don’t try to be someone else”.
In the other case, it means “be your attractive self” instead of playing down the way you are.
You can choose to be who you want to be.
If you are truly happy with your current self, that’s fine.
But it’s possible that there are things you want to achieve and they require you to have qualities that you don’t have at the moment. In order to have these qualities, you need to challenge and to change yourself by doing something out of your comfort zone.
If that’s the case for you, then you need to stop abusing the “being yourself” advice as an excuse to stay inside your comfort zone and you need to upgrade yourself.
I believe those of you who resonate with this site are rather keen on getting out of your comfort zone and creating a romantic life on your own terms. Being proactive is a secret to creating and living a romantic life – it works better than waiting for romances to happen. If you haven’t subscribed to this site yet, please do so after reading this article.
By the way, notice that you do have an attractive self already. It’s crucial for you to understand that.
I’m inclined to think personal development/self-help advice often implies that you have problems to fix and you are inadequate in one way or another. My worry is that such an implication might make you neglect your attractive self that you already have as well as make you focus on solving pseudo problems or adding more to yourself instead of learning how to show the world what you already have.
So, here’s my words. I say you are perfectly fine. No, I may not know you. But, I still say you are more than fine.
The following is how I see the situation and why I say you are fine.
Let’s say you start learning martial arts. You are a beginner and you wear a white belt. There are some black belts around you. If you compare yourself with them, your skills are far underdeveloped. But, it doesn’t mean you are inadequate or a failure as a martial artist. It just means you haven’t had enough training yet and you are on your way to becoming a black belt.
Stop comparing yourself with people who are ahead of you or even your ideal self as a means to bash yourself harshly.
I bet some people around you made you believe in the past that you are not worthy, but now is the time to realise that’s a bullshit.
Start peeling off those extra layers that hide your attractive self and show up as who you really are!
Know Thyself: 12 Questions
Here’s another piece of age-old advice: know thyself. Maybe it’s just me, but I have a feeling that I hear less of this advice than of the “being yourself” advice. But this one shouldn’t be overlooked, because knowing yourself gives you clues about how to be your most authentic, attractive and amazing self as well as how to upgrade your current self.
I came up with 12 questions that will help you with learning more about yourself. I bet you’ve heard many of the questions before, but it’s a good idea to take this opportunity to answer them again. We all change every day and it’s important to know who you are today and who you-as-of-today want to be.
In answering these questions, I want you to be curious about yourself and to be honest with yourself. Since you don’t need to share your answers with anyone, you can write whatever you want. Yes, instead of answering these questions in your head, I recommend you to write them down with your hand or on your computer. That way, you will be able to see your answers. There’s no need to hold yourself back – be playful and enjoy answering these questions!
I’ll share my answers with you after the questions.
- What would you do if you could do anything?
- Why would you do these things – how would they make you feel?
- What are your strengths?
- What are your weaknesses?
- What are you afraid of?
- What kind of people do you want to connect with in your life?
- What kind of life do you want to create?
- What kind of person do you need to be in order to create your ideal life?
- How would you feel if you were that person today?
- How do you feel now?
- How would you feel if your ideal self were in your current situation?
- What do you need to do in order to have the mindset of your ideal self?
Once you know what your ideal self is like and how that version of you thinks, you can experiment with living like your ideal self for a day. Try that and tell me how you felt.
Now, here’s my answers.
1. What would you do if you could do anything?
- train Brazilian Jiu Jitsu with world class players everyday
- meet amazing people and connect with them
- travel around the world
- help as many people as possible with living a romantic life
- and more…
2. Why would you do these things – how would they make you feel?
They would create meanings in my life as well as challenges. By tackling with these challenges, I can develop myself as a person and that would help me tackle with more difficult yet more exciting challenges. Also, they would make me feel alive. I want to feel alive.
3. What are your strengths?
I’m well balanced. At the same time, I can be extreme. I laugh a lot. I am determined. I am a man who can happily take what works and cuts out what doesn’t work. I’m fine with being eccentric. I am curious. I can think and write clearly. I can learn from everything and everyone. I am a good listener.
4. What are your weaknesses?
My biggest weakness always has been that I don’t show my weaknesses even when it’s appropriate to do so. I make this weakness of mine clear to people close to me, though. And now you know, too. Apart from this, I consider the following to be my weaknesses sometimes: I can be too analytical, I can be too indifferent, I put things forward rather than act quickly and I feel I could use my time more effectively.
5. What are you afraid of?
I’m afraid that my progress is rather slow with regard to this site. I’m afraid that I’m not producing high quality content that would promote itself. I feel I’ve been one of those people who just read about creating an online-based business and take no action. I’m afraid of the lack of stable income streams and of my general stance towards money. Having said these things, however, I’m afraid of being too successful too. That is, I’m afraid of commitment that comes with being successful in any area of life. These are my major fears.
6. What kind of people do you want to connect with in your life?
I want to be with people who are or strive to be honest, authentic, beautiful, passionate, motivated, content, helpful, creative, sensual, curious, open-minded, loving, caring, thoughtful, playful and delightful. What this implies is that I need to be this kind of person as well.
7. What kind of life do you want to create?
The kind of life I want to create is defined by what I would do in my ideal life. In my ideal life, I would…
- guide myself with curiosity
- stay young mentally and physically
- keep refining what love means to me
- fill my life with love
- seek to experience beautiful moments
- bring out the best in others
- have freedom to do what I want to do
- create something meaningful that impacts as many people as possible
8. What kind of person do you need to be in order to create your ideal life?
I need to be the kind of person who does what I mentioned in my answer to the previous question. In addition to that, I need to be authentic – I need to be fully present when I experience what’s happening in my life and I need to be such that I never back down and apologise for who I am. I need to have a clear vision and a sense of purpose. I need to take action that brings me forward. I need to create value and provide it to people. I need to spot amazing people among us. I need to have more fun!
9. How would you feel if you were that person today?
I would feel content by knowing that my existence is meaningful, because I have a clear vision and move towards it with a strong sense of purpose and curiosity for life.
10. How do you feel now?
I confess – when I wrote a draft answer for this question, I wrote that I wasn’t 100% committed to it and I wondered if anyone would find this post useful at all, because I had forgotten about my vision and purpose. But I decided to change the gear – I’ll do my best to provide great value to those of you who are reading this post. This one is for you.
11. How would you feel if your ideal self were in your current situation?
He would move towards his vision with a sense of purpose and he would feel fulfilled everyday for that. So, having a clear vision and a sense of purpose seem to be the key here. I don’t need to be a millionaire to have a clear vision and a sense of purpose. I can choose to live my day deliberately with a clear vision and a strong sense of purpose from today.
12. What do you need to do in order to have the mindset of your ideal self?
Clarify my vision as well as my purpose for living. Align my action and the way I am with my vision and purpose.
Knowing yourself is, in a way, a life long process and you could constantly discover and rediscover who you are. You could keep clarifying your answers too.
I hope you have taken an initiative to answer these questions and got to have a better understanding of who you are so you can bring out your best self to the world.
Stop being your mediocre self and be the best you and a great human being.