You want to change, but you don’t know what to do. I have a suggestion for you. Dare yourself to do something you fear. Take that first step no matter how scary it is. You may not have a clear picture of where you want to go, but just start moving. Don’t stand still, unless you are actively taking time to be still. Start from where you are and do something. It’s simple, right?
But who am I to tell you these things? You might wonder.
In this post, I’ll tell you my story. My story of taking action to change myself for the better. I have always been keen on improving myself as a person, but there was something I didn’t work on until recently – a couple of years ago, to be more precise.
My story: On becoming an attractive man
How did I want to change myself? I wanted to be able to meet women I find attractive and to be able to attract them, because I hardly met such women in my social circles and if I did, I was clueless about what to do. I had been with my broken heart for about a year and I wanted to move on. The whole story is much more complicated than what I told you just now, but you get the picture.
While it’s true that philosophy and martial arts, which were my two main activities at that time, are male dominated and you are less likely to meet women through these things, it’s also true that if you live in a place where there are human beings, there should be women almost everywhere you go. And I lived in the capital city of Australia at that time. It’s a small place, but it’s not a man-only land either.
My old self didn’t realize this simple fact until he started changing the way he looked at the world.
What you need to do – Taking action
In the beginning, I was half committed, but when I found myself letting some opportunities go, I felt so stupid that I decided to change myself completely. No, it wasn’t that I was unattractive, but I simply didn’t know what to do when interacting with attractive women!
When I was half committed, there was not much action. I was learning about women, dating and relationship by reading relevant literature, but that was all. That is still something and better than nothing, but it doesn’t count much.
One of the very first steps I took was to start giving small compliments to some women I interacted with. It’s funny to me now that it scared me a little bit when I first started doing it.
Eventually, I came to think that I needed to push myself harder. So, I started talking to random strangers who I found attractive (i.e. attractive on the basis of how they looked). No, not at bars or clubs, but in bookshops, supermarkets, cafes, or any other normal places under the sun. I’m pretty sure I was more than awkward in the beginning, because I was nervous as hell and trying to manage that nervousness instead of acknowledging it.
If you want to meet someone, you must talk to that person. It’s simple. I knew it wasn’t going to kill me, but I was still scared. That’s why I kept putting it forward and it took me a few months to take action.
When I was scared and didn’t take that step, I kept justifying myself for not taking that step. No, she seems too busy. No, she must be with her boyfriend. No, she is not my type. No, I’ll talk to her later. No, no, no…
When I made that step, it was much simpler. It went like this. My inner voice shouts at me and tells me not to do it. I ignore that voice and let my feet move my body towards that woman I’ve noticed. I’m scared as hell, but I let my feet do the work. Now I’m in such a position where I can’t run away. OK, now I have to tell her what I want to say. I’m nervous as hell, but, damn it. I show up anyway.
Once I got used to this process, I felt less intimidated about talking to women. Over a few months, I talked to more than 300 women. Not every interaction went well. Some interactions were simply awkward. But in many cases, I was told that my honest compliments made their day.
In addition to talking to those women, I learnt more about women, dating and relationship by reading relevant texts. I asked my good female friends a lot of questions. I learnt a great deal from Zan Perrion. These things helped me understand better about the male-female dynamics, but without my over 300 interactions, I wouldn’t have had the momentum to get the most out of these learning experiences.
Was it really necessary for me to talk to that many women? (Actually, 300+ isn’t a lot.) Maybe or maybe not. But it did teach me some lessons, though. Now I know it’s not going to kill me. I know how to have fun with that process. I know I can walk up to someone I noticed if I want to do so. You never know when romantic moments come near you. You gotta be always ready, or you’ll miss them.
Where I stand today
Reflecting on what I did, I can say I was pretty much clueless about what I really wanted when I started taking action. But along the way, my aim became clearer and clearer. Also, it led me to where I never thought I would reach when I started working on this area.
This shift happened during the Ars Amorata program I took last year. If you are a man who wants to live a purposeful life, I highly recommend you to check it out.
In the beginning, my journey was more about learning how to impress women. I’m not interested in impressing women anymore. I know who I am and I don’t feel the urge to prove myself to women or other men.
Now, my journey’s scope is much bigger than before. At the same time, however, it’s much more focused. My journey is about living a purposeful life and I’m happy to invite those who want to join me on this journey.
(By the way, fellow men, don’t make women your adventure by chasing them; instead, invite them to come along with you on your journey.)
If you are open to the world around you and engage with it, you will meet your people along the way. You’ll recognize them when you meet them. Make deep connections with them, share the beauty of life with one another, and celebrate it together.
What it means to be open to the world is to show up fully as who you are. Relax and have fun. Also, don’t hide your intention as a man (well, if you are a man, that is). By the way, check out this interview by Hugh Hefner. There are so many things to learn from what he says.
There’s a lot more for me to learn, but things are much, much simpler than I thought.
Dare yourself to do something you fear
I changed myself and my life significantly by daring myself to do something I feared. It was a small step in the beginning, and it eventually got bigger. I didn’t know where I was heading, but I did keep myself moving anyway.
Eventually, it got me somewhere I hadn’t imagined. Since there is no end to this jounrney until I die, I’m still working on deepening my understanding of women, dating and relationship. And love. And romance.
There are others things I want to change about myself, too, and I will work on them.
How about you? Are you ready to change yourself? Would you dare yourself to do something you fear?
You can keep asking yourself whether you are ready or not or whether you would do it or not, but if you want to change, take that first step anyway.
Change is good. Change is within your reach. Now you know it’s possible and how to achieve it. Stop waiting. Start moving.
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Photo: The Daily Ornellas