August 2011

There were 2 posts published in August 2011.

Let Go Of Bitterness

Let go of bitterness Sometimes we don’t notice bitterness we have in ourselves.

Let me ask you a question.

Is there any possibility that you are bitter about men or women? That is… let’s say you are romantically interested in women. And you are bitter about them somehow. You say something like… “Women always use me” and “Women never like who I really am”. Does this sound familiar?

(Not just men or women, but any other things like money, really, but if you are a regular reader of this site, you know why I’m talking about men and women. If not… this site is for people who want to live their life as their art and to make sure it’s full of love. Or in short, this site is about how to be romantic on your own terms. Click here to read more about this site.)

We often accumulate things we really don’t need. Eventually we have so much stuff that our focus in life ends up being on managing stuff rather than living a life full of experiences. George Carlin sums up this idea really well in his stand up comedy.

So, accumulation. It’s not just about physical stuff either. I think it’s fair to say that we accumulate bitter emotions and let them take control of our thoughts and behaviours.

Take a rejection for example. Do you remember a time when you were rejected by a girl or a boy you liked as a child? Perhaps you were mildly rejected, or perhaps it was unbelievably brutal as children sometimes do cruel things. It doesn’t have to be an incident from the distant past; it may well be your relatively recent break up that left you an emotional scar.

Something that tells you… you are unworthy. No, not really. Even if someone actually told you that you are unworthy, that’s absolutely false. In any case, they have no right to tell you that. But, sometimes it’s us who keep telling ourselves that we are unworthy. What should we do about it?

If you are aware of particular incidents that made you feel bitter, that’s… great. Being aware is a great step towards letting go of those bitter feelings, I believe.

If you are not, let’s stop and take some time to reflect on things that might have had an impact on your unspotted bitterness inside you. Any minor incidents may well be contributing factors to such bitterness. Scan your memories and see if you find anything suspicious.

So, let me assume that you have some vague ideas about potential sources of your bitterness. What should you do now?

Here’s what I recommend: write a letter to people who hurt you emotionally.

You don’t have to send it to them. It’s a symbolic exercise.

I’ve seen this technique or variations of it used in various places. It may work for you, or it may not. But in any case, writing does help you clarify your thoughts and when you are clear about things, it’s easier to process them. It’s important to get specific.

In the beginning of a letter, you can write absolutely anything. Curse them if you like.

Make sure to write about what they did to you and how it made you feel.

Write about how you want to feel instead.

Once you’ve had enough of raging, write about what you can learn from those bad experiences. Think of something to thank them for. Yes. Thank them for what they did to you. I’m sure there is something positive you can learn from them. At least one thing. It could be something like, “Hey, I’ve now realized that what you were saying about me was totally false, and I’m glad I made this realization will bring me back to the right track”.

Then declare that you will let your bitterness go and move on.

Tear the letter apart, burn it, keep it or eat it. Do whatever you want to do. But once you are finished with it, you are finished with your bitterness you expressed in that letter as well. So, get ready to move on.

Rinse and repeat for any other fragments of bitterness.

Let them go. Bitterness may block your positive energy. I don’t want that to happen, because I want you to love more… love people and love your life.

Give the world your sweetness and your love, yeah?

How To Understand Women (or Men) Better

Understand Women(Notes: While this post is written from my straight male perspective, you can translate the basic idea into how to understand men if you are interested in men.)

Here’s how: talk with women and ask them questions with curiosity.

It’s a simple thing to do, but I bet not many guys try to learn about women from women.

If you are wondering why you should understand women better and try to do so by this way, I’ll tell you why.

It is relevant to you no matter whether you are currently looking for a relationship or not.

If you have better understanding of women… if you speak the language of women, I bet it’s more likely that you’ll have better relationships with them in general. Relationships as friends. Relationships as lovers. It doesn’t matter.

What’s great about talking with women and asking them questions is that it helps you get better at communicating with women.

I believe one of the biggest fears guys have is that they don’t know how to have an interesting conversation or that they might run out of things to say. The reason why they might be afraid of these things is perhaps because they want to impress women and they believe that’s how it should be.

Instead of trying hard to come up with something witty to say or to impress women, just ask interesting questions… questions that help you understand women better.

Hint: Let them enjoy talking about what they want to talk :-)

It just occurred to me right now, but the fact that you are asking such questions can make these questions interesting, especially if you are completely honest and tell them that you want to learn more about women.

It may take you a while to get the language of women. No worries. Just like you can’t learn Spanish in 10 minutes (i.e. being able to have a philosophical conversation with a Spanish speaker in Spanish), you can’t learn the language of women from a 10 minute conversation either. But if you keep sharpening your understanding of women, it only gets better.

So, start talking with them now. Talk with many of them. Keep in mind that every woman is different as well. In fact, you can simply ask them about themselves – their experiences as being a woman.

By understanding the language of women, you’ll be able to become better friends of women. You will be able to eliminate your prejudices, hidden misogynistic ideas, fears, intimidations and frustrations about women.

Now you know you have a choice. Whenever you feel you want to say “I don’t understand women”, you can talk with your female friends and ask them about women.

Just out of curiosity, if you are a woman and reading this post, I want you to tell me, in the comment section below, whether someone asked you such questions recently. Say, in the last few months.

What do you want to ask women or men about? Write and share your thoughts in the comment section below. I’ll answer questions about men from my own perspective. If you are a woman and happy to help answering questions about women, please do! (Thanks!)