3 Questions and 3 Clues

A few years ago when I decided to handle the dating and relationship side of my life, the following questions were some of my major questions in this area.

1. Where do I meet women I find attractive?

2. What do I say or talk about when I did manage to approach them?

3. How do I get a phone number from a woman?

I believe these questions are shared by a number of men who are rather clueless about dating, relationship and women.

What I want to do in this post is to answer these questions from my current perspective. It’s a message to my past self, but at the same time, if you happen to be in a position similar to where I once was, I hope you can use this post as a guide.

Also, if you are a woman (hello, my dear female reader!), I hope this post is still valuable in one way or another – entertaining at least. I’d appreciate it if you could add your thoughts and help male readers of this blog.

Q1. Where do I meet women I find attractive?

Let me explain my past context a little bit. When I made a decision to handle this area of my life, I was a university student in Australia, spending most of my time researching on philosophy and practicing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Both philosophy and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu are male-dominated. That is, compared to other activities, it’s rare to meet women through these activities. So, I thought I would need to meet women outside of these contexts. That’s why I had this question.

Of course, not every man researches on philosophy at university or practices Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, but you might have this question as well – perhaps you are in a situation such that you don’t women if you don’t do anything. Does this sound familiar to you?

Answer: If your problem is that you feel you don’t meet women through what you do, then your solution is to change what you do – change the way you think.

Unless you live in a desert island, I bet there are a lot of women around you and it’s just that you believe you can’t talk to those women. Change this belief of yours and realize that you can start a conversation with women you notice in your daily life.

Also, you can start doing something new and be more social. How about learning to dance? Or volunteering? Don’t do these activities only to meet women, but do what you find interesting. Make friends with women you meet. Expand your circle.

Once you’ve realized that you can meet women anywhere, all you need to do is to say hi and to start a conversation with them.

Q2. What do I say or talk about when I managed to approach them?

For a lot of men, even saying hi to a woman can be scary, but if you think about it, what you are really afraid of may not be the act of saying hi, but it may be because you don’t know how to keep a conversation going.

Answer: You really need to be confident here. What it means to be confident is not about being able to talk to a woman smoothly without feeling nervous, but to be able to believe in yourself completely, to be able to act despite your fear or nervousness and to be able to admit that you are feeling nervous to yourself and to her.

Here’s good news for you: It’s OK to feel nervous. You can tell a woman that you are feeling nervous, because you find her so attractive that you don’t know what to say. You can even joke about yourself for being nervous and being afraid of screwing things up. That’s a very confident thing to do. At the same time, it helps you get relaxed too.

What you should not do is to act as if you don’t feel nervous at all and you are a cool guy. Trust me, women can tell that you are pretending to be cool and it’s miserably uncool.

Also, you shouldn’t try to impress a woman by telling her about what you have or what you do. You can of course tell her about your book collection or your hobby if that’s what you are passionate about, but that’s because it’s something important about you that you can and want to share with her, not because you think she will like you if you tell her about it.

I’ll write about it more, but impressing a woman is not your mission; your mission is something else, especially when you want to be an extraordinary lover of women.

Your mission is to find connections between you and her and to bring out the beauty in her. To do that, you need to be genuinely curious about her. If you want to be an extraordinary lover of women, your mission is to do these things with every woman you interact with. You can always start from the assumption that women are beautiful and it’s up to you to find out why.

By the way, another great assumption to make is that every woman is taken in the sense that they have a boyfriend, husband, or someone they have a crush on. If you can take off that agenda of getting her (which you can’t complete anyway in my view) from your mind, it will be much easier to get on the right track too.

Q3. How do I get a phone number from a woman?

This is a very tricky question. If you have to ask this question, it tells me something about you – that is, you probably don’t know what a phone number does and why you need it.

Answer: I was there – there was a time when I thought getting a phone number from a woman was important. I’ll tell you -  Getting a phone number from a woman is not important at all.

What you want to do in having a conversation and interacting with a woman you like is to find connections between you and her, and not collecting phone numbers. (You don’t go on a date with a phone number, do you?)

Getting a phone number is easy, especially when your aim is just to get a phone number. There are psychological tactics to get people give you their phone numbers, but that’s a manipulation and it doesn’t necessarily involve connection finding/building. If you have no connection with the owner of that phone number you get, that phone number doesn’t mean anything. If she can’t be bothered to see you again, there’s no reason for her to give you her phone number (or any other means of contacting her).

Why you want to get her phone number? Because you like her and you want to see her again.

How do you do it? Tell her that. Directly. No bullshit. Just ask.

Bringing Out The Beauty in Her

In my answer to Q2, I mentioned that your mission is to to find connections between you and her and to bring out the beauty in her. Let me say more on this.

Through my writing, I want to help you create and live a romantic life on your own terms. That is, it’s up to you to define what it means for you to be romantic. However, at the same time, I do want you to be an extraordinary lover… and in the context of this post, if you are a man who is interested in women, I want you to be an extraordinary lover of women.

I believe that being an extraordinary lover of women is a great way to make your life more romantic. In order to be such a lover, I believe you must learn how to bring out the beauty in women.

Unfortunately, I have no systematic, step-by-step method that I can teach you to bring out the beauty in women. In fact, the notion of beauty I have is pretty rough as well – that is, it’s very subjective.

For me, I feel that a woman is beautiful when she opens up her heart and tells me about her passion or a personal story that’s important to her. It’s not just women, but men as well – when people talk about what they love or what they are passionate about, they eyes start shining and I find it very, very beautiful and attractive (Benjamin Zander calls it “shiny eyes” in his TED talk on music and passion).

Quite conveniently, since I love my life, I can feel connected when others talk about their love for their life – so, by witnessing shiny eyes, I can find connections with them on my side.

That’s how it works for me, and it may be different for you – but whatever it is, your life will be more romantic when you focus on bringing out the beauty in others and witnessing more shiny eyes. If you resonate with what I write here, you can make it as one of your missions in your life too.

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